This was the hot topic of conversation at one of Harvard Vanguard’s Centering Prenatal Appointment meetings recently. Centering appointments are group prenatal appointments at which you receive your regular, private, prenatal check-up, but then meet with other pregnant women for 60-90 minutes to support one another and to learn about childbirth and parenting.
At this particular meeting, we were discussing the advantages, social pressures and challenges of breastfeeding, when one of the pregnant women in the group became visibly upset. She shared that a stranger had come up to her and a friend who was bottlefeeding her baby, and the stranger pointed at the bottlefeeding mother and shouted that she was a bad mother! Everyone was shocked. Unsolicited advice from random strangers does happen, and we usually can ignore it, laugh at it, or let it “roll off our backs.” But when you’re pregnant or have a baby, it’s much more difficult – you feel SO vulnerable.
We do spend time in Centering prenatal appointments to discuss the many benefits of breastfeeding – some of which are less likelihood for the baby to get sick (ear infections, diarrhea, etc.), lower risk of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), higher likelihood for mom to return to pre-pregnancy weight, and saving money by not purchasing formula – and our obstetricians, midwives, and pediatricians encourage and support breastfeeding. But breastfeeding doesn’t make one a good mother, and bottlefeeding doesn’t make one a bad mother. We always focus ultimately on the best choice for that mother and her baby.
The topic quickly broadened to what makes a good mother vs. a bad mother, and who has the right to decide. Emotions erupted and it was almost as if the group was on fire. The other women in the group gave examples of how they have handled unwanted advice or comments during their pregnancies. Many of the women in the group were comforted and encouraged to hear that other women have had similar experiences and have been able to handle these confrontations with humor. We had a great time talking about unsolicited labor advice and some of the “old wives tales” surrounding pregnancy, labor and childbirth.
I was proud of the group as they grew more serious again and discussed how they want to be “the best mothers they can be,” recognizing the many important ways society does support maternal and child health and well-being. The Centering model is a great example of this support, and in this busy world, being a Centering mom can be another Centering mom’s lifeline.